walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
