Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
