someone threw a dead crab at me
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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