I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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