I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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