this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
