But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
okay pat passed out under dana's car
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
