Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
