I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
