I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
