Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
