I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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