On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
