I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
