I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
