Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
