there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
