i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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