you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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