Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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