I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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