How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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