When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
