At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just invented taco cereal.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
