Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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