SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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