I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
