I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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