we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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