There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
