I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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