Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
