Your face is a jimmy john
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
