ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
