So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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