Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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