apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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