I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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