you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
