her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
