He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
