life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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