You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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