Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
