I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
