come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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