What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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