You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
