If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
