Your mouth is God's brothel.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
